it's cold in here. april 20-something, and the nighttime temperature feels like mid february. but then again, i love the outside air. it reminds me that not all of life is regulated. the cold reminds me of the wildness of life.

but here i sit. my room. dark, 70-something degrees, controlled by thermometer.

back

i remember when i was a child. i used to adore my power ranger toys, my afternoons in the woods. i woke up without a care in the world and danced through life…each moment better than the previous. time was nothing. time was absent. i was infinite when i was young. i found myself on the porch the other night thinking of these times. and i had to ask…”what happened?”
i think maybe You spoke on this. when You reminded us how important it is to have faith like children. Carefree. full of love. full of life. i wake up now with my head on fire, thinking of everything in my life all at once. my education, my relationships, my spirituality, my plans. and i worry, worry, worry. making myself unsure of every decision i enter into. so i guess what i mean to say is…i want these things to look like power rangers. i want to adore all of these aspects of my life….whether or not they are complicated, its good news to be alive.
in life there is always a coming and a leaving. a missing and a returning. a happy and a sad. a death and a birth. i hope You can show me the beauty in every single one of these things.

ps.i truly have found the best of friends, and they all know it. they mean the absolute world to me, and so it would be selfish if i just hoped this for myself. i hope this for all of them. lift our weight please, we aren’t very strong…but You are. Hallelujah!

embrace

and the truth shall set you free.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

stories go wrong

i tried writing a story just now. it didnt really go anywhere. it sat on my page and muddled around, much like i do when i am getting ready to head to the dentist or somewhere else i would rather not be. my story was about a duck too afraid to love anyone or anything. the duck knew what it was like to be hurt, to be walked on, to be crushed-and loving someone was inviting this kind of suffering. what i wanted to say is that people should expect this. people should expect hurt from loving anything but You. whenever we love something before we love You its going to hurt. because You are all that is perfect around here, or anywhere. and sometimes loving You hurts, because we arent perfect. we shouldnt expect much else, You are the only one who knows how to love without hurting people, and I think sometimes we might offend You. i know You are immovable and unchangeable but I think if you turn your back on someone enough it stings, and I personally have my back turned all the time.
sometimes we get so afraid of all of our hurt we just go nowhere. we get sick of that feeling in the pit of our stomach, that nervous, painful jolting motion when something goes wrong. we would rather become masons of the heart. creating thick brick walls, lots of cement, holding up our love in a prison, loving nothing at all. i hope other people feel this way, because i do sometimes. i build myself big big walls and hold out on people. You knows I try to let You help, but I get stingy with my love.
i wish my story had come out right. it wasnt a sad story, but a redeeming story. in the end the duck was rescued and pulled from the prison it built itself. You lent down Your helping hand and pulled the duck out in no time. It was a great story in my head…but not on my keyboard.
well, what i wanted to say was this…. none of us have use for these walls anymore. so if ever You would like to come and take them down…well, at least give it some thought please. Your story is one of redeeming love. Even though loving You may hurt, please help me realize its only because im striving for the one thing I can count on(You) and sometimes the hurt is in the trying. if loving You hurts, ill be ok with that. because Your love is real and true, and thats worth all the pain, thats all we want and need! i think. i hope.
i hope You look right through all those times i let you down. i hope it doesn’t bother You that i am weak. i hope it doesn’t bother You that sometimes i try to write inspirational stories but i cant finish them haha. i hope it doesnt bother you that i am bothersome. help us feel the love, whether it hurts or not. help us tear down these walls. help me/us to be different in the days to come. et Your love help us love You.

fairly fair

the fairgrounds,
well this is where i live it,
my smile as wide as the distance,
between me and them.
but nothing here is real,
my teeth quiver,they shake, & i watch the wheel,
high in the sky, shining bright.
and they come in together two by two,
hands together, smiling brightly, too bright.
bright to cover the broken.
it hurts more to live in sadness than in joy.
this circus show is too much,the make-up is too thick.
my face stopped being me long ago,
my opinions someone other than me,
my thoughts someone other than me,
my ideas someone other than me.
i am, i am, i am... Not YOU.
i am Not my own.i am Not I AM. YOU are I AM.
i am becoming.

chin up

i already know this is going to be controversial.if this is not true, i hope there is truth in it.
in today's society people are skeptical of anyone calling themselves Christian... and why? well, to base it around a single idea, i think rob bell was close to the truth when he said that Christian was a good noun but a poor adjective. the word Christian was originally an insult to followers of You, calling them a mini-Christ. that is a noun. That is used to describe a person, and more importantly a person's relationship with You. But that is not the same as saying someTHING is so Christian. for instance, not drinking at a party...thats so Christian. no cursing...thats so Christian. living a life filled up with rules...thats so Christian. but we missed it. we all missed it. You never came to tell us to be men of the law, paul makes this clear in galatians. You made us to be men and women after Your heart. and where did we lose that? probably about the same time that we thought we could show people You by condemning them. probably around the same time that we showed people a life of constriction rather than freedom and expected them to desire it. probably about the same time that we shunned the lowly and turned our backs on the broken to spend more time with the other Christian folk. when did You tell the people that were down on their luck,

"your lifestyle is terrible, i cant be near you."

never, not once. You loved the people with terrible lives'. You loved the people with broken hearts. You loved the whores, drug addicts, thieves, night walkers, beggers, street peddlers, binge drinkers, etc. and why? because HE is love, and You are HIM. and so if we claim to be Christians...shouldnt this be our focus. Loving You, Loving Others. isnt that what you said? Love HIM, and Love others as yourself? why cant i do this? take my condemning nature. take all of our condemning nature. i hate living with this stupid prejudice and judgment in my heart...it hurts. give me... give us Your Love. You have shown us how to live, help us to live like You. help us redeem the word Christian. help us Love the world that wont Love us back. redeem for us what it means to be mini-Christs. help us be the generation that would show the world what loving You is really about.

jumble mumble saturday

best friends.colored landscapes.leaves(orange red yellow, dwindling green).waterfalls(the rush of rivers and icy water). best friends. sand throwing.picnic lunches. best friends. freezing clouds. cold wind. no shoes. shorts. freezing cold. sunset. above the clouds. ice. sam(our dog). zaxbys. one word sentences. cold. warm. sun. night. colors. colors. colors. best friends. worship the God who created these leaves.

saturday was an incredible day. around 9:30 am i walked downstairs to let emily in. i finished getting ready. mike emily taylor and i awaited eagerly the arrival of katie and bolly. around 10 they showed up. thus began the journey. we loaded into brian's vehicle, a red traiblazer...and headed for 441. this trip began like most good trips...a cup of coffee. bitter-warm---just the right taste to wake me up. the music was calm, the highway 441 curved and turned and then straightened. it shortened and then lengthened in the distance.we travelled onwards...true pioneers we were. we stopped at subway."sweet-crazy-woman" served us. she called me "smiley" and asked me to spend the day at subway. i politely declined...although she was one of the most interesting people i have met in a while. she gave taylor a hard time...this never happens. nevertheless..we pressed on

we stopped at the gorge to overlook. and saw the river at the bottom. "whenever i see that river down there i just feel like i need to reach out to it and go down there."

-"Go after your river."....if i ever say this to anyone, they are the most encouraging words i can think of. they mean a lot to me.

we arrived at dicks creek. and began the hike. the trail was shorter than expected. we stopped and looked around at the river in front of us. it was gushing, white crested small waves, pouring over rock faces in the water. we began traversing onto the rocks...walking through the water...the bottom of my shorts becoming wet. we took pictures. loads of pictures. every moment there was a picture moment.the water was ice...freezing the feet, legs, i could feel my muscles seizing, stopping, angry. but i didnt care, i loved my life the most in those moments. those moments out on those rocks where i could hold my close friends near to me and know wonderful things about friendship and love and all that. it was the kinda stuff people write about. haha

we proceeded to the beach, next to the river. we played frisbee and picnicked. we ate and played with sand. we climbed the trees. we loved the trees and the water and the sand. it was how it should be. us...nature...You. all together? yes yes yes.

when we left dicks creek mike suggested we go to dillard. sure...dillard is a cool town. then he suggested we go to tennesee...just so we could visit another state that day. then he suggested going to clingmans dome. i was not thrilled...but i am so glad i went.we were vagabonds, tramps, nomads...the road was our home, it called us out into the night.

we arrived at clingmans dome around sunset. though it was 50 degrees at the bottom of the mountain...it was 34 at the top. i was slightly less than prepared. shorts...chacos...and vest. so so cold. (by the way....whoever put the giant fan at the bottom of the mountain to cause all that wind...i have a bone to pick with them). we watched the sun sinking below the horizon, dripping sun over the yellow-orange trees and green green grass. our pictures nothing but glossy silhouttes against the beautiful painting in the background. perhaps just a perspective of how small we are in the grand beautiful painting of life. we walked to the top, where we were engulfed by a cloud. the fog flowed around us followed by wind, brisk gusts, my face was flushed, my hair was blowing; i was cold. cold cold cold. we huddled for warmth. then we decided that the cloud had blocked the sun and we ran back down the mountain to see the sun finally sink. we saw it. everything. the sun disappeared beneath the clouds, painting the sky blue purple bumble gum pink. the sun shone through rays and accented the trees...just shining colors.gorgeous everywhere. it grew dark as the fog pressed in on us. but i stood there, freezing, arms wide...just wrapping my arms around Your painting. holding onto it. knowing that i was made for this. i am not sure what heaven is like...but i think that sunset might have been a small picture. thank You for it all.