i do not exist, only You exist

2009-04-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

it's cold in here. april 20-something, and the nighttime temperature feels like mid february. but then again, i love the outside air. it reminds me that not all of life is regulated. the cold reminds me of the wildness of life.

but here i sit. my room. dark, 70-something degrees, controlled by thermometer.

back

2009-01-12T07:02:00.000-08:00

i remember when i was a child. i used to adore my power ranger toys, my afternoons in the woods. i woke up without a care in the world and danced through life…each moment better than the previous. time was nothing. time was absent. i was infinite when i was young. i found myself on the porch the other night thinking of these times. and i had to ask…”what happened?”
i think maybe You spoke on this. when You reminded us how important it is to have faith like children. Carefree. full of love. full of life. i wake up now with my head on fire, thinking of everything in my life all at once. my education, my relationships, my spirituality, my plans. and i worry, worry, worry. making myself unsure of every decision i enter into. so i guess what i mean to say is…i want these things to look like power rangers. i want to adore all of these aspects of my life….whether or not they are complicated, its good news to be alive.
in life there is always a coming and a leaving. a missing and a returning. a happy and a sad. a death and a birth. i hope You can show me the beauty in every single one of these things.

ps.i truly have found the best of friends, and they all know it. they mean the absolute world to me, and so it would be selfish if i just hoped this for myself. i hope this for all of them. lift our weight please, we aren’t very strong…but You are. Hallelujah!

embrace

2008-12-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

and the truth shall set you free.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

stories go wrong

2008-12-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

i tried writing a story just now. it didnt really go anywhere. it sat on my page and muddled around, much like i do when i am getting ready to head to the dentist or somewhere else i would rather not be. my story was about a duck too afraid to love anyone or anything. the duck knew what it was like to be hurt, to be walked on, to be crushed-and loving someone was inviting this kind of suffering. what i wanted to say is that people should expect this. people should expect hurt from loving anything but You. whenever we love something before we love You its going to hurt. because You are all that is perfect around here, or anywhere. and sometimes loving You hurts, because we arent perfect. we shouldnt expect much else, You are the only one who knows how to love without hurting people, and I think sometimes we might offend You. i know You are immovable and unchangeable but I think if you turn your back on someone enough it stings, and I personally have my back turned all the time.
sometimes we get so afraid of all of our hurt we just go nowhere. we get sick of that feeling in the pit of our stomach, that nervous, painful jolting motion when something goes wrong. we would rather become masons of the heart. creating thick brick walls, lots of cement, holding up our love in a prison, loving nothing at all. i hope other people feel this way, because i do sometimes. i build myself big big walls and hold out on people. You knows I try to let You help, but I get stingy with my love.
i wish my story had come out right. it wasnt a sad story, but a redeeming story. in the end the duck was rescued and pulled from the prison it built itself. You lent down Your helping hand and pulled the duck out in no time. It was a great story in my head…but not on my keyboard.
well, what i wanted to say was this…. none of us have use for these walls anymore. so if ever You would like to come and take them down…well, at least give it some thought please. Your story is one of redeeming love. Even though loving You may hurt, please help me realize its only because im striving for the one thing I can count on(You) and sometimes the hurt is in the trying. if loving You hurts, ill be ok with that. because Your love is real and true, and thats worth all the pain, thats all we want and need! i think. i hope.
i hope You look right through all those times i let you down. i hope it doesn’t bother You that i am weak. i hope it doesn’t bother You that sometimes i try to write inspirational stories but i cant finish them haha. i hope it doesnt bother you that i am bothersome. help us feel the love, whether it hurts or not. help us tear down these walls. help me/us to be different in the days to come. et Your love help us love You.

fairly fair

2008-11-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

the fairgrounds,
well this is where i live it,
my smile as wide as the distance,
between me and them.
but nothing here is real,
my teeth quiver,they shake, & i watch the wheel,
high in the sky, shining bright.
and they come in together two by two,
hands together, smiling brightly, too bright.
bright to cover the broken.
it hurts more to live in sadness than in joy.
this circus show is too much,the make-up is too thick.
my face stopped being me long ago,
my opinions someone other than me,
my thoughts someone other than me,
my ideas someone other than me.
i am, i am, i am... Not YOU.
i am Not my own.i am Not I AM. YOU are I AM.
i am becoming.

chin up

2008-11-04T06:28:00.000-08:00

i already know this is going to be controversial.if this is not true, i hope there is truth in it.
in today's society people are skeptical of anyone calling themselves Christian... and why? well, to base it around a single idea, i think rob bell was close to the truth when he said that Christian was a good noun but a poor adjective. the word Christian was originally an insult to followers of You, calling them a mini-Christ. that is a noun. That is used to describe a person, and more importantly a person's relationship with You. But that is not the same as saying someTHING is so Christian. for instance, not drinking at a party...thats so Christian. no cursing...thats so Christian. living a life filled up with rules...thats so Christian. but we missed it. we all missed it. You never came to tell us to be men of the law, paul makes this clear in galatians. You made us to be men and women after Your heart. and where did we lose that? probably about the same time that we thought we could show people You by condemning them. probably around the same time that we showed people a life of constriction rather than freedom and expected them to desire it. probably about the same time that we shunned the lowly and turned our backs on the broken to spend more time with the other Christian folk. when did You tell the people that were down on their luck,

"your lifestyle is terrible, i cant be near you."

never, not once. You loved the people with terrible lives'. You loved the people with broken hearts. You loved the whores, drug addicts, thieves, night walkers, beggers, street peddlers, binge drinkers, etc. and why? because HE is love, and You are HIM. and so if we claim to be Christians...shouldnt this be our focus. Loving You, Loving Others. isnt that what you said? Love HIM, and Love others as yourself? why cant i do this? take my condemning nature. take all of our condemning nature. i hate living with this stupid prejudice and judgment in my heart...it hurts. give me... give us Your Love. You have shown us how to live, help us to live like You. help us redeem the word Christian. help us Love the world that wont Love us back. redeem for us what it means to be mini-Christs. help us be the generation that would show the world what loving You is really about.

jumble mumble saturday

2008-10-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

best friends.colored landscapes.leaves(orange red yellow, dwindling green).waterfalls(the rush of rivers and icy water). best friends. sand throwing.picnic lunches. best friends. freezing clouds. cold wind. no shoes. shorts. freezing cold. sunset. above the clouds. ice. sam(our dog). zaxbys. one word sentences. cold. warm. sun. night. colors. colors. colors. best friends. worship the God who created these leaves.

saturday was an incredible day. around 9:30 am i walked downstairs to let emily in. i finished getting ready. mike emily taylor and i awaited eagerly the arrival of katie and bolly. around 10 they showed up. thus began the journey. we loaded into brian's vehicle, a red traiblazer...and headed for 441. this trip began like most good trips...a cup of coffee. bitter-warm---just the right taste to wake me up. the music was calm, the highway 441 curved and turned and then straightened. it shortened and then lengthened in the distance.we travelled onwards...true pioneers we were. we stopped at subway."sweet-crazy-woman" served us. she called me "smiley" and asked me to spend the day at subway. i politely declined...although she was one of the most interesting people i have met in a while. she gave taylor a hard time...this never happens. nevertheless..we pressed on

we stopped at the gorge to overlook. and saw the river at the bottom. "whenever i see that river down there i just feel like i need to reach out to it and go down there."

-"Go after your river."....if i ever say this to anyone, they are the most encouraging words i can think of. they mean a lot to me.

we arrived at dicks creek. and began the hike. the trail was shorter than expected. we stopped and looked around at the river in front of us. it was gushing, white crested small waves, pouring over rock faces in the water. we began traversing onto the rocks...walking through the water...the bottom of my shorts becoming wet. we took pictures. loads of pictures. every moment there was a picture moment.the water was ice...freezing the feet, legs, i could feel my muscles seizing, stopping, angry. but i didnt care, i loved my life the most in those moments. those moments out on those rocks where i could hold my close friends near to me and know wonderful things about friendship and love and all that. it was the kinda stuff people write about. haha

we proceeded to the beach, next to the river. we played frisbee and picnicked. we ate and played with sand. we climbed the trees. we loved the trees and the water and the sand. it was how it should be. us...nature...You. all together? yes yes yes.

when we left dicks creek mike suggested we go to dillard. sure...dillard is a cool town. then he suggested we go to tennesee...just so we could visit another state that day. then he suggested going to clingmans dome. i was not thrilled...but i am so glad i went.we were vagabonds, tramps, nomads...the road was our home, it called us out into the night.

we arrived at clingmans dome around sunset. though it was 50 degrees at the bottom of the mountain...it was 34 at the top. i was slightly less than prepared. shorts...chacos...and vest. so so cold. (by the way....whoever put the giant fan at the bottom of the mountain to cause all that wind...i have a bone to pick with them). we watched the sun sinking below the horizon, dripping sun over the yellow-orange trees and green green grass. our pictures nothing but glossy silhouttes against the beautiful painting in the background. perhaps just a perspective of how small we are in the grand beautiful painting of life. we walked to the top, where we were engulfed by a cloud. the fog flowed around us followed by wind, brisk gusts, my face was flushed, my hair was blowing; i was cold. cold cold cold. we huddled for warmth. then we decided that the cloud had blocked the sun and we ran back down the mountain to see the sun finally sink. we saw it. everything. the sun disappeared beneath the clouds, painting the sky blue purple bumble gum pink. the sun shone through rays and accented the trees...just shining colors.gorgeous everywhere. it grew dark as the fog pressed in on us. but i stood there, freezing, arms wide...just wrapping my arms around Your painting. holding onto it. knowing that i was made for this. i am not sure what heaven is like...but i think that sunset might have been a small picture. thank You for it all.

waste not want not

2008-10-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

a very wise friend of mine made a interesting statement the other night. now its easy to make statements that sound philosophical, or true...its not difficult to sound like you know what you are talking about. but rather, mikey said something which has since resonated with me, and seems true in my heart. so after chewing on this idea...here is my paraphrase of what he said...

"you know, when life is good we want time to slow down. when life is bad, we want life to speed up. we never just enjoy time. maybe if we started enjoying all time we would be a happier people."-mikey c (copyright)

i agree. so often i wish days of my life away. i am a member of a generation of discontent children. i am not settled with being alone. i am unnerved with boredom. i am disgruntled by stress and difficult situations. and i ask for those times to be over. i ask for school to be over. and before i know it, ill be asking to retire. there is always one more step. one more difficult hurdle before i can "truly" enjoy my life...or so i thought. You gave us this life. this "time" so to speak. and we can spend it however we like...thats the beauty of Your love (free will i mean). i worry that so often i trade this precious time for wasteful things, and more importantly i just waste it in general. maybe if i just sat back.

maybe if i just let myself enjoy all of this time, all this creation, all these beautiful people that You have given me. maybe i would be a happier people. maybe if i spent my time praying for people i love, for people who are discontent, maybe if i cared to love other people more than myself----rather than wishing all of my precious time away, maybe we could all be happier people. this is something i have had on my heart for a while. how i waste so much. i waste time, love, joy, material possessions. and i wish away GREAT things. fortunately, You redeem. You see my potential. as mewithoutYou says.."You see my coins are counterfeit but you accept them anyway." I hope that You will just fill me with more and more contentment in the things i have. help me to trust the goodness of ALLTIME-which is from You. thank You for all this time and for the freedom to do with it what i will. help me not to waste anything You have given me. i read a saying once, and i hope it be true of me..."waste not. want not."

one score and a day

2008-10-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

twenty.

i am now twenty years old.
yesterday was one of the most incredible days of my life...here is just a brief account...

9:26am-i get into bolly moyd's car. i am able to see only blackness, as i stare into the bandana which has been tied around my head. we leave my home. michael is driving-as he begins doing U-turns and zig zags i immediately become disillusioned and my sense of direction is thrown into the blackness with my vision. while going down the highway the windows are rolled down and through the freezing early morning wind i listen to coldplay. questions such as,"oh no chase, did you bring your socks?Cause if not we are going to need to stop and get some." or "please tell me you brought your bathing suit?" and all the while i am thinking...why on earth would i need a bathing suit...its freezing. well, a bit later a need to use the restroom. so i beg them to pull over...after nearly an hour of driving. so they do. upon opening the car door(still blind folded) i slam into another car(sorry bryan). they begin leading me, and i quickly realize that i am not at a gas station...nor are they leading me to the restroom.

10:45am-my friends trick me. they continually tell me that i am about to go over a step so that i am taking tiny steps/high-stepping/walking down stairs on flat ground. this is also known as the time period where i looked the most like an idiot on the birthday...i loved it.

10:50am-i hear bryan laugh...bryan is not supposed to be here. a small child wraps her arms around me. i realize that only one girl this small would hold me so tight. i take off the blindfold and i am surrounded. katie, c serra, bolly, bryan,alex, mikey, jenny,t-chil, taylor's mom, mike's mom and sister, my mom, rick, sarah, jordan, olivia, sandy, my dad, jason...they are all around me...what a surprise.i realize i am at 12 stone church... good trick.

11:01am-church service begins

12:34pm-we leave church for lunch

1:20pm(ish)-lunch begins...Golden Buddha. my nanny and papa show up---its a great surprise

3:30pm-we are driving back to athens from lunch. i realize i am blessed by family and friends. i realize i am 500 dollars richer. this is good news.

4:45pm-i fall asleep on my couch.

5:45pm-i wake up and my dad is walking in the door to my house in athens. this is great news.

5:50pm-tj shows up. i havent seen him in ages. i am overjoyed,...people love me. this is beautiful.

5:52pm-mike tells me t-chil's car got impounded. i am worried. t-chil had to work at 5. this is bad news.

6:15pm-keith calls to let me know that he will not be coming up. academics are more important to him.

7:15pm-my dad and i go driving to downtown, we stop by espresso royale and have a wonderful discussion and drink coffee. today could not get better.

7:45pm-t-chil calls and says he is on break from work...i wonder to myself, how did he get to work if his car was impounded...i am confused

8:15pm-my dad and i arrive for dinner at sushi place..shinkotini(this is likely to be wrong...names like this confuse me)

8:16pm-i am surprised! again. i walk into a huge room full of all the people i love yelling happy birthday. i cant stop smiling. everyone loves me. i love everyone. love love love.

8:17pm-someone plays wonderwall.

8:22pm-my dad has to go home. i tell him goodbye.

8:31pm-i see my pictures that bolly, katie, c serra, and jenny put together for me. i am overcome with joy. i read c serra's letter. i nearly cry. i am overjoyed. i see the quad pod's letter and emily m.'s letter. i am overwhelmed. what on earth is going on?!

9:15pm-sushi is excellent. tj does a good job picking it out.

9:30pm-we all sing livin' on a prayer...bon jovi is the man.

10:14pm-we leave to go back home.

10:31pm- i walk into my room. there is a gift from tj. its his old hat that i always stole. he has given it to me...i note is next to it. i start reading. its reassuring. its wonderful. its love in words. it says, "i know im not out on the bleachers in the freezing weather before school...but i mean every word." these words dont mean anything to anyone but me and him. i lose it. i start crying.

10:40pm-i walk downstairs. i am embraced by my best friends. b-willie gives me an awesome vest and mike a ballin backpack. am i look like alexander supertramp. i cant quit smiling again.

11:04pm-i sit on the front porch in my hammock.the boys smoke menthols. only one more month and ill be right there with them. the smell makes me happy...but my company makes me happier.

11:45pm-we start watching the office...people begin leaving. emilym. gives me an amazing back massage. i become tired.

12:45am- i go upstairs. t-chil folded all of my cloths and left them in my room. i realize how much little actions like this speak to me. he barely even does his own laundry...but then he does mine? love. i leave him a thank you note.

8:09am- i wake up and read a letter t-chil left me. although it is too early for me to lose it, i start smiling...its now 10:49am on october 20th. and i am still smiling.

thank You. for keeping me around another year. thank You. for my dear friends. thank You. for my loving family(brothers sisters mothers and fathers). thank You for the beauty that is love, and all of the love that You keep pouring into my life. thank You. for letting me see You in every one of my wonderful friends who make me who i am.thank You.

i have had a lot of positive encouragement in the past twenty four hours..about how good i am. well i want everyone to know, " i am only as good as the company i keep." every person in my life-such a blessing. i love them all so very much. so very very much.and more than anything...i love You.

this should have started it all

2008-10-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

words.
there is something about words. when i look at them, read them, think them.i think in sentences, talking to myself(like a crazy person), i speak in sentences(telling people about my crazy thoughts), i write in sentences(trying to express things that i cant figure out in my head or in conversation).
these words bring me happiness. looking at this rectangular template, slowly filling with the things i think-i cant help but smile. but here is my confession...i wish my words were bigger. i wish i could make my words mean something, really mean something. i sit down and i try to describe things as i see them, sometimes beautiful things, sometimes awful things. but my fingers fumble about this metallic keyboard dropping thoughts in abandoned sentences, leaving my words homeless. i just want to talk about You the same way i think about You. everything seems so gorgeous in my head, but i dont wanna keep You all for myself. i want to show You off. You're the first place prize, but i cant fix my sentences with enough good words to make You seem as beautiful as You really are.

somehow my words keep ending up in places i dont want them. i keep saying I LOVE YOU. and eventually i forget what i am saying. if i repeat it. if i roll it around in my mouth. chew on it. think on it.its become a really clever explanation for everything in my life---and i wonder how often i mean it? or how often i think of its implications? i say it so much...i forgot what it means to actually LOVE YOU, i just got really good at letting the words fall out of my mouth. and now when i try to put better words to the I LOVE YOU life that i want...i cant. i keep coming up with clever descriptions, wonderful metaphors, brilliant pictures...but its so so small. my words are getting nowhere. my words are getting meaningless...and i think my words are finally ending up exactly where they should be-out of my hands.

if i need to be silent forever i will. if i need to keep I LOVE YOU for just You then i will. i know my words are small to You-but i hope You take them anyway. if my words cant show how i feel, if my sentences cant describe You---let my life show how i feel. let my actions describe You. help me to be more than just "the talk". the church talk. help me find out what I LOVE YOU-life really means. lead me

sometimes i get wrapped up, sometimes i want to impress people with my words. i dont ever want to impress anyone again as long as i have You. i want You to impress people. and if You want to use my words...ill gladly share. and if not, please make me glad to share.thanks.

true or false

2008-10-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

Facts:
1.i like coffee(black and bitter)
2.i like friends(i have the best)
3.i like music(nada surf, coldplay, ryan adams)
4.i like art(i cant draw or paint...i am a looker)
5.i like mountains(Yosemite...come back to me)
6.i run(marathon in november)

Lies:
1.i am perfect(in time)
2.i love everyone equally( but i am trying)
3.i like school(though i do like learning)
4.i am crazy(i might have been once)

Dislikes:
1.traffic(this drives me crazy)
2.Sunburn(this hurts)
3.acne(i have looked better)
4.misquitos(they carry malaria)
5.girls who ruin my friends' lives(there are several, but i am sure they are great people...maybe)

green black and blue flannel. khaki shorts. chacos. its cold-i am in love. hey, thank You. ill be twenty in 6 days-thanks for keeping me around this long. please help me to love and love and love everything and anything that is You.

"Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father."

the Truth is not from me

2008-10-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

do You ever click on links? if so, here is one.

http://www.missouriplants.com/Yellowopp/Helianthus_divaricatus_flowers.jpg

i really enjoy this picture. the flower isnt so special really. but actually, its beautiful. each petal representing just a tiny colored piece of the bigger puzzle. the green spiny stem holding the larger than life head, bouyant with color, painted yellow against a broad spectrum of hazy fading greens. the center-a hint of orange&brown transitioning the opaque yellows into a never ending sea of pollen, with more grains than i care to count. this one single flower, so complex, so wonderful-it makes me feel at home. and You made it. and if You made that...You made us. how beautiful are we to You?
heres another thought: that flower is good looking. it brings me joy and a sense of peace. its like when i meet a person full of You. they hold delight in their hands and just give it out, feeding the loveless. but sometimes even one person gets lonely.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42309000/jpg/_42309982_namaqualand.jpg

BUT LOOK AT THAT FIELD! haha. i get it now! You didnt make us to grow up lonely. we surely are beautiful by ourselves, but together we are BREATHTAKING! we weren't made to look splendid on our own. i just keep looking at that field. and then back at that flower. You made us for community. the sea of yellows. the sea of colors. we are not just one flower, not just one droplet-make us a field, a forest, a flood, a storm. put unstoppable torrents of color into our lives-make us that beautiful field! we just want to be in this together with You shining overhead. oh bring us there! put me in a field, put us in the field. make us the good harvest of the good news! what good are we standing by ourselves? together. together. together. and more importantly...together with You.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2064/2404002375_0de1c89d46_o.jpg

^ i want us to smile like that^ make us smile like that.

there is not truth in me-i am not. but You are the Truth, You are the I AM...let that be enough for us.

Post-Marked

2008-10-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

red leaf! red leaf!
hanging lonely in the tree
it's high time i asked
whats going to become of me?

i spent my love enjoying
the summer and its time
but the winter winds are coming
and surely i will die.

yellow leaf! yellow leaf!
write your song on sheets of bark
and bring me home with shining light
when my life gets too dark.

i spent my spring months
loving life and digging in
but autumns passing onward now
my table is full of sin.

colored leaves! colored leaves!
no- you have never been alone
though you seem so discontent
you have never been more at home.

write letters, and books,
fill the fields far and wide
make a song filled with love
that is too great to hide.

all the leaves! all the trees!
stand tall and strong
for though its hard to see
this worlds healing up-
and it wont be long.

wood grain. sliding just beneath the firm foundation of my sandal. my steps just barely grazing the patterned wood-glossed over with shiny finish. shiny finish. it sure does make the floor look nice.

glossy.finish.looks.nice.

is this me?is this us?is this we? i think it is. i walk around wearing a glossy finish. a coat, a mask-hiding how i really feel, causing me to be more and more insecure. and dont we all? i would feel so much worse if i knew it was just me...but we all wear disguises. and why? we are afraid. we are afraid to let go of things. to let people see us. i think we worry that sometimes we are not who we should be, and that maybe people wont be able to accept us the way we are. help us find authenticity. help us find "REALNESS". help us find us. help us find us. help us find us! You can find us! i hope my mask will start looking like You. i hope all of our masks start looking like Your smiling, joy-filled, wonderful face.

when youre dead

2008-10-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

right now i am in the corner of the jit joe's cafe. i have discovered that i am here at least once per day. the aroma of dark,light,medium roast coffee permeates my nasal cavity, begging for me to make the purchase. what good advertising...i gave in. here i sit, substantially satisfied, drinking a small cup of dark roast. i love the bitterness.

here is a story that i will remember when im dead:
coffee.the front porch. the night began with a porch and a cup of black coffee. the air was brisk, biting, icy to the touch, i struggled to remain warm, but alas my pitiful wal-mart sweater struggled to nourish my epidermis. i sat there, raw red hands, cracking in the cold, blissfully painful, but i was enjoying myself.
it was me and a best friend, sharing life experience.this was one of the ways we knew friendship, we talked and sat and talked. me, well i felt transparent, expressing myself with words that spewed from my mouth like a faucet leak. and we talked. and we listened. and we drank coffee, warm against our cold lips. and we sat.and sat. and sat. but it didn't matter, sitting was all we needed.i realized i couldnt feel my hands, but then i realized i didnt care. there are things that warm a man far more than temperature.
friendship&love.
i stood up, and my legs creaked with pain( i was growing older) and my muscles tightened, angry with discomfort. the icy night had solidified their position to sitting, and my defiance was enough to start a small war within the fibers of my bodies standing appendages. i grabbed my bicycle, he grabbed the other. and we rode. we rode out into the night, cutting the air to pieces, feeling the wind, a tornado of chill and gust, ripping through me, into my soul. my eyes glistened and then gave way to tears. partially from the iced air, partially from joy. this was all i needed, joy and joy and joy. i could feel it. the coffee wore out, my warmth was entirely gone; i shook violently as i pedaled faster, and faster, and faster....downhill. i closed my eyes and infinity opened up before me. i could see the whole world right there in the middle of those double yellow lines. it was all i needed. my best friend was all i needed. You were all i needed. this bike, this coffee, this night...it was all i needed.i opened my eyes. i closed my eyes. and my life flashed.

then, i opened my eyes...

and i was old, sitting in a rustic rocking chair, white bearded, pipe in hand.the smoke poured into the night sky, campfire smell, mixed with pine--- my olfactory senses the only ones still intact. my glasses were thicker than my pinkie thumb, i was blind.my jeans-torn,stained,old.just old. my shirt was a strong plaid, poking from beneath my hoodie...the same one i wore when i was young. the chair squeaked, but my hearing was too far gone to remember what i was hearing.i sat there staring at You. and we were best friends. as i stood up, i grabbed my cane, and You lent me Your hand,and i walked inside the cabin. i took a spot next to the fire. i sat.You sat. we sat. but then, i closed my eyes again...i woke up...and the world was white.

and im still smiling at You.

when we wonder, when You smile

2008-09-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

i get questioned a lot. about, well, what i am going to do with my life. and honestly i dont actually know. my plans for the future, as far as a career go, are completely open. when i was younger(a year or so ago) this really really scared me. i was afraid that i would never be able to found my purpose in this life. but i think maybe You gave me these unsurities(?). you know my desire to be free, and wild, and seek adventure. i think You gave me this spirit for a reason...to seek You out in far corners, deep woods, rushing waters, and all of the beautiful places that we so easily tend to forget. people sometimes give me a hard time, as if i may never settle down, as if my soul cannot be tamed, but You have already settled me down, You have already begun to tame my restless spirit in Your loving ways.and thank You so much for that.but still, thank You ever more for my love of change. my love of adventure. my love of the unknown. i take so much pleasure in exciting circumstances, strange circumstances, unfamiliar circumstances. help me to see You in everyone of these circumstances. and ill be honest, im no longer naive enough to believe that i will always be comfortable, or happy, or understanding, but i know that You have given me a peace and a joy in Your love that is higher than my circumstances.just help me to believe what i just wrote. help my writing to be more than words. my emotions, my spirit, my beliefs, my desires all tied down with simple words, its no wonder i cant say all that i want to...but still You see how lacking i am and smile on me anyway!

i know there are a lot of people in my life right now that have questions. i have questions. we all have questions. and they are hard questions. about You. we wonder how our moods can get so sour. we wonder how we can be so sure of what we believe of you. we wonder and question everything we have ever known.we wonder why fathers cant love us. we wonder why siblings are in trouble. we wonder why we cant keep our mouths shut. we wonder why we cant conquer the beast of academia. we wonder why we cant even figure ourselves out. we wonder why we cant feel You sometimes.we wonder where You are in all the heartbreak of the world. we wonder about our boyfriends of girlfriends.we wonder about our jobs. we wonder about who we will marry we wonder about our friends, and if they are really friends.we wonder wonder wonder, and question question question....

PLEASE HELP US QUIT WONDERING, BUT JUST BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR WONDER! give us a peace. a peace in knowing that when we look upon the world all of the beauty staring back at us is just a smile from You. a big warm embracing smile, followed by the kindest hug we have ever felt. i hope that everyone i have ever known, loved, hated can wake up to the embracing love You placed in the world. please smile on us!

bagels,coffee, and YELLOW leaves

2008-09-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

ah, it's monday morning. and here i am...just living the dream. that's right...i think the spell is coming to end. my sickness, tiredness, frustratedness might be slowly wearing out. now that's not to say i don't have a lot to do...i have a TON. i have two tests on wednesday and thursday and im going to see tegan and sara tomorrow. YES! but something happened today...

i walked out of the biology building carrying my plain bagel, a warm cup of coffee, and my computer. now, i dont usually have my computer...the cumbersome weight generally causes moderate to extreme discomfort when traveling long distances on foot around campus...alas, i had the device.i sat down. and next to me...leaves.YELLOWLEAVES. all around. and still falling. as im sitting here i can see the leaves falling around me as the sunlight peaks around the corner of the building at the far end of the courtyard. autumn. by far my favorite season,,,i am just waiting for hoodie weather!and the best...i am jammin to resurrect me by jon foreman(a wonderful recommendation by bryan wilson...hes the man). i just feel better today. nothing has really changed...i just feel that all of my weight has been lifted, or lightened, or maybe somebody is carrying it for me. thats right...its You. sneaky sneaky. sometimes its easy for me to forget that none of this weight is really mine and You will readily take it from me. So when i feel like a weight has been lifted i wonder where its gone...im such a child.
i wonder how long the leaves have been changing around here. i havent been taking much notice...that makes me feel bad. i have been forgoing the wonderful gifts of this life! ah, its time to get out there, jam out, nature out, love out, etc. oh my soul, youre coming back to life. right out of the fog! i can can can can can feeeeeeeel it. wow, when joy wells up inside you, your words kinda stop making sense. take away all my sense. You give.gave.will give. me everything i ever need. " i sound my barbaric yawp!"---> thanks

words...longing...words

2008-09-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

"Can miles truly separate you from friends? If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?"

i think that sometimes fewer words are better than more words. sometimes ideas exceed diction. sometimes we struggle putting vocabulary together with emotion. its a pity that our word choice is so small juxtaposed with how we feel. give me words, and help me listen to Your words.

starry eyed prayers& water to my ears

2008-09-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

And I'm gonna take you to the mansion where I hide
and I'm gonna paint a diamond on your hand
And you will be my bride
You'll be missed Miss California
You'll be kissed by only me
When they can't find you you'll turn into a mystery
But you're no mystery to me, Miss California
Miss California
I'll be around, I'll be around.

the new jack's mannequin cd breeched the silence of the surrounding countryside as we flew along the foggy country road, late in the night. gathering speed, i took notice of the chilled air, the calm darkness, the piercing brightness of the stars, the smiles of my companions. the open road and the cold cold night. 59 degrees-this is nothing compared to winter, but now, just as the summer heat evacuates the nights for the approaching ice nights of winter, a brisk 59 degrees at 60 mph feels frigid.mike,alex,bolly,and katie...all surrounded me, listening intently to the lyrics of a man bearing his soul to the lullabye of the piano, as alex commanded his volkswagon ship towards the elder bridge. we passed beneath it just as the song made a brief lulling and turned to key notes which reminded me of someting from a horror movie. all was chill in the night. we passed beneath the bridge and sped onward into the widening black empire, embracing the ice,the dark, and all you could feel was love. no destination---there is never a destination( "All you have to do is live until you die."-for keith). a few songs passed, and then i couldnt take it anymore. number 2 on the cd-spinning. i replayed it this time. then the lyrics hit me like a train wreck...

I'm keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it's hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning.

i stood up. out of the sunroof. spread my arms and flew. along the road i glided, my soul leading me, just soaring,soaring,soaring. such freedom, such flight. teardrops streaked my eyes and back towards my ear lobes from the wind. when i sat back down i did a little dance in my seat. i looked at all of my friends(katie and bolly slightly unsure of my what i had just done) and i smiled. so big of a smile. and it was real, and i felt real, and they were all so REAL. i stared at the stars and i smiled another real smile. i knew You could feel us down there. so content, so happy, so free. the free souls You made us to be! the people in my life...for them to be so full of love&freedom...i can only imagine You. i want more starry nights. i want my friends to see more stars, shooting stars, wishing stars. i want their dreams to come true. i want them to come true. each tiny sparkling glittering ball of fire somewhere beyond our atmosphere is a prayer that You will bring us into the hoping-free-love-life of light. gosh, how did i end up so lucky?how did i end of with such blessings,such nights, such friends, such family? thank You.

2008-09-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

i am sick. my throat feels raw, red, hot, scratchy, scratchy. my nose feels like there is a rock inside of it, i wish that rock would just come out! it's been difficult for me to do much today, i have been tired. here's is an interesting fact:
We constantly think of insects as small creatures, but did i know that Terry Irwin at the Smithsonian Institute believes there are more than 10 million species of insects in the world. Think about how small i am now! i love entomology.

i know that a lot of my friends are dealing with loss. they feel loss, somewhere in the hidden places. something in them isn't how it should be. they feel...less. lovelessness,hopelessness,unvaluble,etc. some people feel consistently lonely. some people are angry, because they wish their fathers would love them. some people have their curiosities about You, and are lost in "not-knowing". some people are struggling through relationships...struggling with love and losing it. some people are fighting the monster of academia, and some the monster of themselves. we are a broken broken broken people. we fall down, because our knees buckled long ago trying to carry the weight of our brokeness. somedays even i think there is too much darkness and weight to get out...as if the albatross of sorts finally sunk me. and sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, i get nervous, that maybe there are too many problems, too many losses, too many shortcomings, too many broken hearts, too many wounded souls...and maybe we cant ever get out. but i think these days i have forgotten You.
You save us from the pit. we are a broken people, but we are also a redeemed people. You have redeemed us.

when i was a kid, there was this joke,"what's black and white and read all over?"
punchline:a newspaper

i think too often i see the world in black and white. and all the dark spots are really scary, and sometimes-i cant get over how far i might fall if i look at the black spots too long. but i think You are the punchline to this black and white newspaper brokeness of a life i have come to know. because You made this life RED all over. You gave it all, brought RED blood into our lives, and gave us redemption. and i think that maybe i spend time looking at the whites and blacks instead of all of the colors that You have since poured out, and continue pouring out. please continue to pour into us! some of us are at the end of our ropes, but You give us color----saving color-----saving RED all over. i hope that when we have nothing to cling to we will cling to only You, because You are the only thing that will always hold us.Amen&Hallelujah!

untitled soul churnings

2008-09-21T16:44:00.001-07:00

these past few days:wow. it's been eye opening..in good bad sad wonderful ways.

this weekend i was sitting in my room with my friend. it was long after dark. he was talking to me about his loneliness.

loneliness.

its that gut-sick feeling.that feeling you have when nothing is going right, but nobody cares. that feeling when you lose something, or someone. that feeling when you cant find the love you know was made for you! that feeling you hate that creeps up on you; makes you nervous when you're already vulnerable. and it hangs. it hangs right around your neck...and it whispers to you. if anyone is lonely....they know it, because its all they hear.
well as he was talking he said,"Or when im driving by myself late at night, and i just get this nervous feeling..." and his face went blank. and then it happened. he jumped at me, wrapped his arms around me, and started balling into my shirt. he was shaking vehemently, trembling with each sob. my shirt-had i been in a water balloon fight? he held me as if i were the only thing holding him to earth, as if he let go of me, he wouldnt be here anymore. i didnt know what to do. i just held him there, like a mother holds a child, until he cleared himself up, and apologized. which he never needed to do.

now thats heavy stuff. but there is something in that. he felt sorry for crying. for being vulnerable. for opening himself up. and i realized...we do this everyday. we hide pieces of ourselves. we push our skeletons into our closests, lock them tight and move out of the house. when he cryed, he was real. when he was vulnerable, he was real. and i think thats just how You call us to be. real.vulnerable.unsure. i think You want us to open up. not to live these lives of worry and shame, but to make ourselves vulnerable to You. so please please please,...make me vulnerable for You. and show everybody else, that this is ok too. You love us. You love our vulnerability. You love to hold us when we cry, when we smile, when we are angry.hahahaha. You love to love us. don't get me wrong, it's hard to put yourself out there, i am scared of it all the time. but You take my fears and shine light in all the dark places to where i can see i never shouldve been scared at all.at all, at all, at all!

soul nutrients dissolved in montana wildernes

2008-09-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

XXX-acai-blueberry-pomegranate(triple antioxidants)

Yesterday:An interesting day.
Today:My mother's birthday.

i am going home this weekend. i haven't seen my family in nearly two months, so it should be nice to see them all. i miss them a whole lot. it's funny, back in high school i couldn't wait to be free of my family...but now i find myself missing them. why do people always want what they can't have.why did i have to realize how good they after i moved out. i suppose it makes no difference, it is in the past-and i am in the present, so i will cherish what i have. thank You.

i remember one day. it was montana, cold, crisp, near sundown. i was sitting in this field, and all around me were wildflowers. and next to the wildflowers there were thorny plants. and our guide told us...those never grow near one another, it doesn't happen. so i went off by myself (a real columbus) and indian-sat in the middle of this field. all of the sunshine was going behind the clouds, except for a tiny piece...and i am pretty sure that piece of sunshine was just on me. i looked-all around me, at the purple sprouting wildflowers, ready for bedtime; the thorny bushes, malicious with intent yet content with being where they shouldn't be; the sunlight...trying to rest-but You wouldn't let it. as i sat there, i felt myself melting. dissolving.becoming, or maybe unbecoming. everything was bright and clear.i was all in white, clear, swimming.Kindof. i couldn't put my finger on it, but everything was right when i was there.i knew it was right, because i knew You were there. sometimes i miss those purple wildflowers...but they are entirely inside me, and these days i think You are too. that time...when i thought everything was right...i hope everybody gets to feel that. i think that might be Your Shalom.i am so thankful to feel Your Shalom more and more everyday.

i'm grinning like an idiot right now.

the love we spent ourselves finding

2008-09-16T06:14:00.001-07:00

there is an awful lot of talk going on around here. this campus, this city. i keep hearing this word:revival.

revival-restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, strength,etc.

this word makes me excited. the possibility of a revival taking place here in athens seems crazy, but then again, You start in the most unpredictable places. but i wonder, what most people are thinking. i keep hearing people talk about reviving this city and the lost. the drunks, the homeless, the broken hearted. and i agree these are all beautiful places to start renewing life. but what if You start somewhere else? i can't speak for everyone, but just in recent years i am starting to understand more and more the way You loved people. the way You lived. the Strength You had in Your weakness. the Life given in Your death.is it possible that You will start a revival in the hearts of those who know You best?

before we can restore others, we need You to restore us. make us humble as You were humble! we want strength, but like You said, "strength is a service." make us strong. revive our own hearts.i am a broken person, a member of a broken community, of a broken earth. but You give life! so fill me(us) up with more of You. help all of us to be more excited about You than this revival. but please, restore this city...let it happen through You. bring us into new Life and help us share it. not be greedy and hoard it for ourselves...but show everyone. let us lose ourselves finding Your love. and let us spend ourselves giving it away.revive the dead and dormant! help us to follow through into this new lovelife that You have planned for us. YES YES YES

a cup full of half and half?

2008-09-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

i enjoy coffee. in fact, i am beginning to think that on somedays i could not survive without it. it is my "pick me up" as they say. strangely...when i drink normal coffee, i never include any creamer and rarely sugar. and never half and half...yuck. hmmm. half and half. that's a really funny term.

half and half.

all throughout the Bible there are references to You making us run over, like a cup full to the brim. in one of the psalms it says, "will you not drink from the cup the Father has given you?" well, i know that it is a cup i want to drink from...unless it's full of half and half. and i guess that's where my problems really begin. a lot of times i think that it's fine for me to live my life with half of me and half of You. sometimes i wanna say, "hey, please help me do well on such and such, or hey, give me peace" but i think that You will give me the things i look for on my own terms. that is, i expect to get what i want the way i want to get it. i hope one day i won't think that way. i hope You will help me realize that it was never about me in the first place...that it has always been about You. not mention...i hate the taste of half and half...and i bet you do too.

a list of things to do

2008-09-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

i remember how big i felt when i first walked into middle school. i could not have imagined being more grown up than i was as a sixth grader. i remember the bluish golden swirl in the shape of a falcon that composed the front of my agenda book. it never left my hands that first day of school; the slick plastic cover, rigid with indentations from the colorful picture on the front/the spirals on the edge(which if played with long enough could be removed from the book)/ the importance of having the agenda book-i was finally old enough to write myself a list of things to do. and i think that's probably where things went wrong.
i was ecstatic to compose my list of things to do, making sure to include every conceivable thought within my six grader brain( do math hw, do science hw, play with friends, watch boy meets world, etc.). and somehow, i managed to get all of these things done...
i am not so sure if that tiny blue notebook ever left me. though it has been gone from my physical touch for sometime(i could never take care of things) i still feel it in my mind.

i know, i still feel a book in my head, weird? yes.

but nonetheless, i wonder how often i make a list of agendas in my own head. better yet, i wonder how often we all do. i find myself wondering what my life would be like if somehow all of my agendas were taken away, if i just lived, rather than living to fulfull expectations. the phrase hidden agendas comes to mind here. i wonder how many of us, and how often i, go after a heart thing and end up along the path of something hidden and selfish, seeking gratification for ourselves. i know that i have before, and i hope i dont again. only You know my heart so i know that You know my intentions-sometimes i can't even figure them out myself. i hope You make my ways selfless. make my wholly given to service...make all of us humbled before You. "to those who give much, much will be given." i am seeking more fulfillment than anything on earth could give me( but still i thank You for the trees and seas and mountains and clouds-its more beautiful than any painting i have ever seen). i don't know, i am no prophet as i know some are...but i feel You getting ancy around this town. i think there is a plan going on here and You are just waiting for a humble people who care more about others than themselves. PLEASE! make my thoughts less me and more You, and more others. i used to worry about my weaknesses, but i know that i am blessed when i am weak-You rescue me, restore me, and use me the weaker i am. praise be to the Almighty One. Jesus, let us love one another the way you love us. let it rain, let it pour. are we a generation to change the world? that's big talk...but i believe You can do it. help us all believe in You and Your everlasting love. wow-i really mean that.

say it like you mean it

2008-09-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

"webct makes me want to light the world on fire"
This was the quote that started my morning. My speech teacher is also a web designer and apparently his vast knowledge of the computer world has led him to this conclusion: i am superior to webct. Honestly, i know nothing of computers...but i feel this way all the time about webct. Hmmm.

honey suckle latte.

Usually i don't cave in and succomb to "the man"( you know, THE MAN, the typical american business CEO with his starbucks frappucino and briefcase full of...well who knows-starting the day with coffee and a breifcase..yuck)... but not today. today i am not feeling so much myself as i would like to be. i wonder why.

Why is it that we (and i) have so much trouble saying what needs to be said? i fall short in my words often, but more than that...it's like i think if i cover my confusing thoughts with quilts of preoccupation i can avoid myself. but i cant. Don't misunderstand...i am comfortable with myself, more so than ever, but i still find myself compartmentalizing thoughts into safe storehouses in my mind...holding out for a future that may never arrive. we all have our black rocks in our minds...wait, a song? O.A.R.-i knew it was only a matter of time until i spoke solely in song lyrics.

The other night we were talking late and Tyler talked about seeing You in heaven. All that glory. Goodness-i got excited. i can't imagine all that light just yet.it makes me jittery just thinking about it all...but then again, i did just finish this coffee(on an empty stomach)...so Lord knows why i am shaking. i have a confession. sometimes i am scared to give You things.why why why!? Help me out here! i am nothing more than the stranded, the hopeless, the shipwrecked-..stranded in the island of my inability to hand You things. You make me brave, but i keep trading it away for trinkets and worthless treasure. i wanna chase the Good treasure! i need clarity here, not just contentment, but fullness. Your fullness please! make my heart sing HALLELUJAH! i don't want these words without meaning...just HALLELUJAH! it's about time i start "undoing" myself. no...i'ts about time i let You "undo" me.